I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t know if I want kids.
I briefly mentioned this in a post a while back when talking about ‘the norm,’ but I wanted to dive in a little deeper. I think it’s top of mind because literally everyone around me is talking babies, getting pregnant, or having babies. Now, don’t get me wrong – I love babies and kids…absolutely LOVE. Being an aunt is truly my favorite thing. However, I just don’t know if I want kids of my own. I simply don’t know.
I feel like ever since I turned 30 (a couple years back) it’s become quite the popular question from family and friends. So, Julie, when do you think you’ll have kids? Is this the year? I do think this is the most commonly asked question I get. I’m not mad. In fact, it doesn’t bother me or annoy me at all. I understand why the question is asked. I understand why people want to know. I get it. I’m 32, been married almost 4 years, and ‘the next step’ is, well, to have kids.
But maybe that’s not the next step for me.
Do I know why I’m not sure if I want kids? Nope.
Part of me feels so young still, and not ready to be a mother. Part of me is really fucking scared of pregnancy and labor. Part of me isn’t ready for life to change THAT much just yet. Part of me thinks it’s because there’s so much I still want to do and accomplish and that’s my focus right now. Of course, you can still do and accomplish anything you want with kids in tow, but maybe I’m just a little selfish still. Maybe I’m just not ready. For whatever the reasons might be, kids aren’t on the brain right now.
It’s not that I’m not supportive of those who want kids or have kids. I am truly SO excited when a friend tells me they are pregnant. I’m thrilled to celebrate my friends at their baby showers and their kids’ birthday parties. I love hanging out with my friends’ littles. I love shopping for the little ones, too (I mean, baby clothes!!).
And on the darker flip side, I feel so much empathy and compassion for those who have trouble getting pregnant. I really do. I can only imagine what it’s like to go through something like that, and part of me feels awful for even writing this post. However, I have always been an open book, and this is just part of my story.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should never do something if you don’t want to do it. You should never do something solely because you feel that’s what you should do. You should never make a decision based on what others want you to do; you need to want it, too. If your heart isn’t in something (especially something as big as having kids), then maybe it’s just not in the cards for you at this time. And you know what? That’s ok. That’s perfectly ok.
Maybe one day I’ll want kids more than anything. Maybe one day I’ll have kids. Or maybe one day I won’t. Only time will tell. And until then, I’ll just continue spoiling my nephews and niece (Hi Blake, Jace, Evan, and Lexi!).
I love + really appreciate this, and let me just say for the record that I don’t think you need to know why you don’t want kids yet: just not wanting them is a good enough answer. We can try to analyze all the “reasons” because people asking us the same question over and over makes us feel a little nuts, but the truth is, there really doesn’t have to be a “reason” at all. Not wanting kids or wanting them doesn’t require an explanation. I’m proud of you for being you and doing what works for YOU. Kids or no kids, you’re doing a huge service to the world by being brave and acting in accordance with your own inner compass. Love you!
Laura! You don’t know how much your comment means to me. Thank you so so much. And you’re totally right – there doesn’t need to be a reason at all. I really appreciate your words and your friendship SO SO MUCH. I do know, though, if I do have kids, I’ll be looking up to you because you’re killing it with this whole mama thing. Selma is one lucky girl!! <3 xoxoxo Julie
I know we talked a lot about this in the past, but I am so glad your are writing about it. I think it is wonderful that you are honest with yourself about wanting children or not. That means that totally get it and to you it is more than ‘the next step’. This shows that if you do choose to have kids you will be an amazing mother (you are an amazing ‘godmother’ to my little guys so not surprice) and if you decited to not have kids that is amazing that you know yourself well enough to know what truly makes you happy. In a nutshell you are awesome 😘
Aw, Monica, thank you so so much for the sweet, thoughtful comment. It means so much to me. I debated putting up this blog post, but I’m so glad I did. I’m sure there are others out there feeling what I feel, so hopefully this will help at least one person! And YOU are awesome, my dear friend, and the most incredible mom to JW! He’s so lucky. Love that little man SO!! xo Julie
Julie this is SO amazing and honest and true. I knew I wanted to have a baby. I was ready. I was pretty much exactly the age you are now – married the same amount of time etc… BUT I did NOT know if I wanted a second child. And I felt like people asked me the minute my first arrived when I was having a second. It got so bad that I finally told people I was not having another one just so they would stop asking. So you can understand why when I had a second child 6 years later a lot of people asked if it was an accident. (I have to admit my reply was not always the nicest :). It was no accident – I just actually really took my time and thought it through. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is also nothing wrong with not having children yet. And there is nothing wrong with having only one child. What is wrong is to have a child just because it is the “next step” as you say. You are so creative and smart and taking the world by storm. You will know when you know and I sincerely applaud this post – your honesty – and just admitting you don’t know. And just so you know I have never left a comment on a blog post anywhere so maybe you are doing something right 👏👏 XO Brooke
Brooke! Your comment almost made me tear up ❤️ Thank you so so so very much for the thoughtful and sweet words – you truly don’t know how much it meant to me to read that. Seriously. Thank you thank you thank you so much. So glad it resonated. XOXOXO